I just wanna be calm

I can’t remember the last time I was.

Uncomfortable, overwhelming, uncontrollable. A sudden head rush of irrational thoughts and then I’m suffocating in an enclosing headspace of adrenaline and dread. Rapid heartbeat, tight chest, throat closing up. Everyone and anyone and anyone and everything feels unfamiliar, obscure. Everything goes quiet. Do I fight or flee? More panic. How do I get out of this situation? What if this intensity never dies down? The colour and rationality and spontaneity from the world is gone. But it’s all in my mind, right?

I used to think I was scared of dying – but now I know that I’m scared of living, if living is like this.

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